


Too Much Heaven

by ShameInYou



Category: Blind Melon
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-26
Updated: 2014-08-26
Packaged: 2018-02-14 21:06:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2203128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShameInYou/pseuds/ShameInYou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I've got a black heart Chris. I'm not a very nice person. I'm not a very good person. I've got a black heart. The devil consumes me." Shannon sobbed....</p>
            </blockquote>





	Too Much Heaven

**Author's Note:**

> True Blind Melon fans will recognize some things in this...I read some more of the Shannon book...found some things out I didn't know, and just felt inspired to write this. Shannon was manic depressive...and well I tried to portray his personality. I don't know how you will perceive this...but whatever.
> 
> Shannon
> 
> http://www.beemelon.com/html/articles/1996/pics/shannonKingsway.jpg

_Chris's POV_

Me and the Blind Melon guys were in N'awlins, recording our second album, aptly titled, "Soup." We had already had most of the songs written for the second album nearly 2 years before we found ourselves here. Our first self titled album hadn't taken off until the third single.

We were sick of that particular song and the whole cycle for the first album. The record company had worked the shit out of us over that album...once it finally took off. We were touring for nearly 2 years straight.

We had a few months off. The whole touring cycle had taken a toll on each of us. We nearly hated each other towards the end. We hadn't spoken to each other for a few months before we came here, to Kingsway Studios, on the corner of Esplande Avenue and Chartres Street in New Orleans, Louisiana.

Shannon was nearly at his breaking point. Poor Shannon, I worried about him constantly. His drug use had spiked dramatically. He was no longer baked all the time, he was using blow and he was dabbing in heroine. We couldn't tell Shannon anything. He was gonna do what he wanted to do.

He had tried rehab during out break...he had went and he had finished. He was sober for a few months, until we decided to play Woodstock '94. He relapsed, dropping acid before the show. He said he wanted to have an "authentic Woodstock experience." It was all downhill from there. Shannon succumbed to the pressures and was using again.

Every time he destroyed himself, he would tell me, promise me that he would stop, that it would be the last time. And I believed him every time.

I fucking loved Shannon and I constantly worried about him. I hoped he would stop the madness and get himself together.

* * *

I sat in a patio chair on the upper deck, located on the top floor of the studio. The railings were made of black metal and had intricate leaf designs on them. One could get a nice view of the street from up here. Me and Shannon came up here from time to time to be alone, to be quiet, to just think and look around at our surroundings.

I enjoyed my alone time with Shannon. Sometimes it was good and sometimes it was bad. I would take whatever I could get. Shannon was unpredictable these days.

I strummed aimlessly on my guitar. All the rest of the guys had went out to check out the town, including Shannon. I decided to just stay at the house and be alone. Of course, my alone time always consisted of me thinking about Shannon.

I sighed as I played some random riff, leaning back in my chair and staring blankly out into the street. I was suddenly startled out of my thoughts when I heard the patio door slide open. I looked back to see Shannon, sporting his new buzz cut look, walking out onto the patio.

"Hey." Shannon said softly, taking a seat in a patio chair that was a mere foot away from mines.

"Hey. You're back early." I said softly.

"I got bored...just decided to come back here." Shannon sighed, sitting back in the patio chair, putting his hands behind his head and crossing his legs.

The silence was eery as we stared into the New Orleans street, cars zooming by. We could hear the trolley in the distance. I looked over to Shannon to see his brows furrowed slightly.

"You doing okay today?" I asked hesitantly, setting my guitar down.

Shannon sighed, sitting up and running a hand over his buzz cut head.

"It's just one of those days...you know..." Shannon mumbled.

He stood up, walking over to the balcony and looking down at the street. I looked on, still situated in my chair.

"Are you gonna be okay?" I asked hesitantly.

I never knew what was going through Shannon's head. He was like a ticking time bomb. It was best to not egg him on.

"It'll never be okay." Shannon mumbled, gripping the balcony and pushing himself backwards and forward.

I sighed. I could tell by the tone of his voice that he wasn't in a good mood today. Shannon tended to come off as this happy, bright person, but deep inside, he harbored demons that seemed to overtake him...even more so after this No Rain thing.

"I'm here for you ya know." I said softly, staring down at the hem of my shirt.

"I'm sick of Gary. I miss Hale...that was fucked up how the record company let him go...Gary's a fuckin' douchebag. He doesn't know shit about our band..." Shannon spat, continuing to jerk himself backwards and forwards, holding onto the railing.

Our record company, Capitol Records, recently went under new management...people we had grown to love, who had helped us dearly in our short careers were fired, and these new pricks were brought in, trying to control our material. Shannon fought to the bone to get this new guy off of our backs to let us be us.

"Me too." I replied.

Shannon kept going.

"I'm sick of this whole thing man...how the media fucking took us in their mouth, chewed us up and spat us out. This No Rain thing man...I don't wanna be known for that shit. Every time I fucking do an interview...they always ask me how I feel about the peak of it's success.

I feel like I'm under so much fucking pressure to do another fucking song like that...I fucking hate it!"

"But Shannon, that song doesn't represent us, and you know it." I said calmly.

"I know it doesn't...Chris do you know when I went home to fucking Indiana...I had people coming up to me who fucking hated me...kissing my ass, wanting my autograph. I feel like everyone's in my fucking face...and I'm sick of it. I miss being ordinary. Sometimes I wish I had just stayed in that fucking factory...still singing in a shitty cover band in dive bars...I'm sick of everyone.

No one fucking understands me. I'm sick of being on the go all the time. i feel like I never have any time to fucking relax. I'm sick of everyone coming down on me about rehab. I fucking hate rehab, it was so lame. Everyone was trying to basically tell the best story of who did the most drugs. It was fucking ridiculous.

I just feel like I have so much fucking pressure on me. I'm beginning to fucking hate myself."

I hated hearing Shannon talk like this. Sometimes he would talk out of his mind. I wondered if he had did any blow before coming out here.

"Shannon...You don't have to be anything you don't wanna be. Just be yourself. You shouldn't worry about what other people think Shannon." I tried to assure him.

"Sometimes I feel like I'm out of control...like I can't control myself. I wish I could. But I can't. I don't know why." Shannon mumbled.

I watched as Shannon held onto the upper railing, putting one leg over the railing, and then the other, standing on the edge of the balcony, holding onto the railing with both hands, looking over at me.

"You know, you're a good listener Chris. That's what I like about you. You don't hand me generic fucking bullshit responses. You're mostly silence. Sometimes silence is good. Shannon replied.

My heart rate picked up.

"Shannon...um what are you doing?" I asked.

He was hanging on the edge of the balcony. It was a 2 story drop to the ground. Shannon was always hanging on the edge of danger like this.

I watched uneasy as Shannon maneuvered himself, turning around facing the street, his arms behind him as he held onto the railing, leaning forward.

"Shannon..." I said, standing up and going over to the railing and looking over.

Shannon was leaning out and his feet were nearly hanging over the edge of the balcony.

"I could end it right now if I wanted to." Shannon said to himself, staring down at the street as he leaned out as far as he could.

"What?" I asked, dumbfounded.

"It's amazing, how fragile life is. In fact, people amaze me how they put on their fake facades like they really care, when in fact, they don't. I'm sick of it. Chris? You ever had the feeling of ending it all?" He asked.

"Wha...No Shannon. No I haven't. You have no reason to end it. You're making your second album with your best friends. We love you Shannon." I said, feeling a lump in my throat.

"Everyone loves me. I'm such a cool guy. Everyone wants something from me. I only have so much I can give." Shannon replied.

His constant leaning was making me uneasy.

"Hey Shannon, why don't you get back on the balcony and we can talk about this inside." I said calmly.

Shannon smirked, glancing back at me.

"Does this make you feel uncomfortable Christopher?" Shannon smirked.

"Yes...yes it does actually. I hate it when you do shit like this Shannon." I sighed.

Shannon smirked.

"Like what? Like this?" He smirked, letting one hand go from the railing.

"Shannon..c'mon man, stop playing around. Fucking stop it." I said as Shannon held onto the railing with one hand.

"I feel like everyone's expecting me to always give give and give. When am I gonna receive? I'm tired of giving Chris. I'm so tired."

"You don't have to give me anything Shannon. Now get back on the porch...please..." I pleaded.

"Why did we come out here to record the album Chris? The devil lives here...he's all around us. He's in me." Shannon replied.

Shannon was far away right then. I watched as Shannon became silent, staring down into the street, sticking a foot out and stepping on air with it.

"Shannon, c'mon man, stop fucking around!" I exclaimed. "Stop fucking around before you fucking fall to the ground!"

"Maybe that's what I want." Shannon said softly. "Maybe if i close my eyes, they'll all go away."

Shannon let go of the balcony really quickly. For a split second the blood pooled to my toes. I must have been white as a ghost. Shannon leaned forward a little bit, grabbing the balcony, pulling himself back, hopping on his foot to back up on the tight space.

"Shannon stop FUCKING AROUND!" I said angrily.

He was making me angry. Why was he doing this? I didn't understand him. I wish he would just stop acting like this!

"Fucking around...sometimes I feel like that's all I'm good for...and doing blow." Shannon said darkly.

"Shannon what are you talking about? I love you!" I frowned, frustrated.

"Sometimes I think the world would be better off without me Chris." Shannon frowned.

Shannon let go of the balcony again, squealing as he nearly slipped off of the edge, catching himself just in time. My heart was nearly ripped out of my chest. I was fucking angry now. Shannon always did this weird shit around me. I didn't understand it.

Shannon laughed maniacally as he looked back at me, still holding on with one hand. His sarcastic smirk really pissed me off.

I reacted on impulse.

"SHANNON, FUCK YOU! YOU'RE A FUCKING PRICK!" I exclaimed, frowning and storming back inside of the house.

He made me so god damned angry with his depression. I wasn't sure exactly what he wanted from me. He was never clear on things. Sometimes I think he just liked to fuck with my head. He was a total mind fuck.

I stormed to the room we shared, walking over to the bed and clenching my fists, gritting my teeth. I was straining I was so angry. And I wasn't even sure what I was angry about. Shannon destroying himself every night? Shannon not being willing to seek help?

I had seen my best friend go from this upbeat, quirky guy to this dark, sarcastic, mean son of a bitch. It made me really not want to be around him much. He just gave me a headache.

I took a hairbrush that was laying around and threw it across the room out of frustration, feeling better when it hit the wall with a loud noise, falling to the ground.

"...Chris?"

I heard his soft voice.

"What!?" I frowned, turning to see Shannon standing in the doorway.

My heart sank when he stood there, face red, tears pouring down his cheeks, his chest heaving.

God damn you Shannon.

He always did this.

He always fucked my head up with his fucked up shit, and then he did this. He knew how deeply I cared for him and he liked to fuck with me.

"I'm fucking sorry." Shannon cried, walking into the room, shutting the door behind him.

He walked up to me, standing in front of me. I was still frowning.

"I'm sorry Chris. I don't know why I do the things I do. I'm sick. I'm fucking sick and I don't know what to do about it." Shannon cried.

"Shannon...you're not sick..." I said, brows furrowing.

"Yes I am Chris. I'm fucking sick. I'm so sick of having to put on this facade...of being the funny guy...always having to entertain everyone. No one knows the pain I have inside me. Do you think I like doing all of this shit to myself? I can't fucking stop...I wish I could! I'm so tired Chris...I'm so sorry!" Shannon sobbed.

I pulled him into a hug, one arm around his back, one arm cupping the back of his buzzcut head.

"Sssh. Shannon it's alright...you don't have to put on a facade with me, you know that..." I said softly, feeling bad for yelling at him now.

Shannon wrapped his arms around me, pulling me close to him as he buried his face in my neck, sobbing.

We stood there for a few minutes, Shannon crying into me, holding each other. Shannon was a fucking wreck and no one had any idea.

"Show me how much you love me Chris...please I need it right now...I feel so unloved...I need to feel good..." Shannon whispered in my ear, brushing his lips along the lobe.

I nearly shivered.

He always did this too.

We had been fucking around since Durham, North Carolina.

I was okay with it. I knew he had a girlfriend. I didn't mind being the male mistress. No one knew.

I sighed as we pulled away, looking into Shannon's blue eyes. Before I knew it, Shannon was leaning into me, pressing his soft lips to mines, kissing me sensually.

I sighed as we backed up to the bed. Once the back of my legs hit the bed, I pulled away from Shannon, blinking.

We knew the drill. Nothing was said as we looked at each other, getting undressed, our clothes in a pile in the corner of the room.

My ass was grabbed as I pulled the covers back on the bed, crawling under and then Shannon climbed in, sniffling and smiling at me. I smiled warmly at him.

I moved closer to him, our skin touching. We were silent and he was smiling at me, a sadness still deep within his blue eyes as I threw an arm around him under the covers, leaning forward and kissing him again. He reached a hand up as our lips brushed together, running it through my dark, curly locks.

I began to rub up and down the side of his torso under the covers as our kisses got deeper. Shannon sighed as I moved down, sucking his bottom lip into my mouth. Shannon's hand untangled from my hair to rest on my cheek as I tugged on his bottom lip lightly.

Shannon's tongue darted out first along my top lip as I held his bottom lip in my mouth. I moved my mouth up slightly and our tongues met with electricity.

I shivered as I tasted him, as our tongues slowly moved against one another. Shannon sighed into the kiss, his hand moving from my face to snaking under the covers. He grabbed my hand that was caressing his torso and moved it to something wet and hard.

I laughed lightly into the kiss as I wrapped my hand around it, pumping it a few times.

Shannon let out a few raspy moans into our messy kiss. He pulled away, biting his lip and looking me straight into my eyes.

"Christopher...please..." He begged.

I smirked as I touched his cock with my calloused hands.

"What do you want Shannon?" I nearly whispered.

"Fuck me..." Shannon bit his lip. "You're the only one who can do this to me..."

I smirked, blushing slightly.

"I'll do anything to make you feel better. I just want to see you smile."

Shannon looked down, smirking. I threw the covers back, getting up to find the lube. I was turned on now. When I returned, Shannon was already on his hands and knees.

"Chris?" Shannon asked as I got between his legs, rubbing lube on my finger.

"What?" I asked as I inserted a wet, cold finger into his most intimate area.

Shannon pushed back on my finger and moaned slightly. He fucking loved this.

"Ever since I cut all of my hair off, I don't feel beautiful. Do you think I'm still beautiful?" Shannon asked, looking back at me as I worked my fingers inside of him.

"Of course Shannon. You're so fucking beautiful. Your soul, your being. You're the most beautiful person I know." I smiled, pulling my fingers out of him.

"I want you to look into my eyes as you fuck me. Please..." Shannon nearly whispered.

I moved back as Shannon laid on his back, spreading his legs, holding them up under his knees.

I poured some lube in the palm of my hand, moving between his legs, and coated my own member. I smirked when I heard a giggle out of Shannon.

Shannon's hands were replaced my mine as I moved forward, prodding my erection at his stretched opening. I looked down as I pushed the head in, his muscles trying their hardest to force me out. I bit my lip, looking into Shannon's eyes finally as I started to thrust forward slowly, holding his legs back with my hands.

"I love you..." Shannon whispered as we stared at each other.

I tried my best to keep my eyes open as I slowly forced myself deeper into him with each thrust.

"Love you too Shan..." I mumbled as I pushed in.

Shannon gasped when I was finally all of the way in. I couldn't help but let out a moan at the tightness of his canal around my shaft as I started to fuck him.

"God damn Shannon...tight..." I muttered, dropping my head, my curls bouncing.

"Fuck me Chris..god it feels so good...it always does..." Shannon said in his raspy voice.

I bit my lip as I moved against him, managing to open my eyes as I looked down at Shannon. I started to speed up my thrusts, feeling my stomach pool with warmth.

I smiled warmly down at Shannon, laughing lightly as I fucked him and Shannon smiled back, one arm thrown behind his head, the other moving down, his hand snaking down between us, down his happy trail, and to his hard member.

I could feel Shannon's fist slapping against my stomach as he played with himself between us.

"Oh god Chris...I want you to cum inside of me...please..." Shannon begged, his eyes falling closed as he touched himself.

"I always do..." I breathed.

It was getting down to crunch time, I was concentrating on the big goal now. Each thrust escalated the throbbing feeling I had in my groin. I wanted not only to make Shannon feel good, but feel good myself.

I loved the feeling of our skin pressed together, rubbing together. It sent chills down my spine. I couldn't understand why Shannon was so hard on himself. He was a wonderful, beautiful, talented person. He could be passionate when he wanted to be.

"Fuck Shannon...I'm close..." I moaned, eyes shut tight as I concentrated on getting there.

I was fucking him hard and before I knew it, I was having my orgasm. My whole body was on fire and I trembled, cursing under my breath as I emptied my load, buried deep inside of Shannon, just the way he always desired it.

I could hear Shannon laughing lightly as I jerked lazily inside of him. He had ceased his fist pumps. I had pulled out of him when it was over, backing up on the bed on all fours, head hanging down with my curls in my face, panting.

I looked up after a while, moving my curls from my face to see Shannon stroking himself again and looking at me with a furrowed brow.

I smirked, sighing and crawling over beside Shannon, laying beside him and wrapping my arms around his torso, resting my head on his shoulder as I watched him pleasure himself with his own hand.

"Chris...you fuck me so good..." Shannon mumbled, eyes falling closed.

I wasn't one for the dirty talk...Shannon fucking loved it. I was more of an action kind of man. I pressed soft kisses to Shannon's neck as he played with himself, leaning over and lightly running my tongue along the back of his neck, over the tattoo he had back there.

Shannon shivered, shrugging his shoulders a bit. I couldn't resist as I continued to place soft kisses along the back of his neck.

"Christopher...oh fuck!" Shannon moaned as he bucked his hips into his hand.

I tightened my grip on him, pulling away and looking over his shoulder as he climaxed, shaking under my grip.

"Fuck!" Shannon sighed, slumping back in my arms.

I smirked as he turned his head to smile at me and our lips met again with slow, soft kisses.

"Do you feel beautiful again?" I smiled.

"Yeah." Shannon smiled, yawning.

"Wanna take a nap now?" I asked, smirking.

"Sure." Shannon said softly.

We pulled the comforter back over the mess of love that Shannon had made. We laid there together, naked, me spooning Shannon.

My wonderful Shannon. Sometimes he could be such a mystery to me.

I was nearly asleep as we lay there, when suddenly I felt Shannon's shoulders shaking.

I opened my eyes, brows furrowed, feeling tired.

"...Shannon?" I asked softly.

"Hmm?" Shannon asked, sniffling loudly.

"Are you alright?" I asked, sighing.

There was silence and then Shannon turned around facing me. His eyes were red and tear stained again.

"Shannon what is it now?" I asked, sighing.

He was getting worse and worse day by day. Not even our sex could pull him out of this slump anymore.

"I'm fucking sick Chris. I'm fucking sick and I don't know what to do." Shannon sobbed.

I just looked at him, rubbing up and down his torso lightly.

"I've got a black heart Chris. I'm not a very nice person. I'm not a very good person. I've got a black heart. The devil consumes me." Shannon sobbed.

"Shannon...black heart? What in the world are you talking about?" I asked, lost again.

"Black heart Chris...I've got a black heart..." Shannon mumbled, turning around and not facing me.

He didn't say anything else as we lay there. Eventually I fell asleep.

* * *

I stirred. I didn't know what time it was. I opened my eyes, blinking into focus. I turned my head, Shannon wasn't in the bed anymore.

"Shannon?" I called softly, sitting up and stretching, yawning.

I scratched my stomach, looking around. I could hear faint music coming from the house. I furrowed my brows and got up, putting my clothes back on.

I left out of the bedroom, following the sounds of the music that I heard through the house. It was a familiar song. A Bee Gee's song. I could hear the lyrics to the chorus as I came near the kitchen of the house. The music was coming from there, it was getting louder and louder.

  
"I can see beyond forever  
Everything we are will never die  
Loving's such a beautiful thing  
Oh, you make my world a summer day  
Are you just a dream to fade away?" 

"Nobody gets too much Heaven no more  
It's much harder to come by, I'm waitin' in line  
Nobody gets too much love anymore  
It's as high as a mountain and harder to climb"  


"Shannon?" I asked as I rounded the corner.

I stopped in my tracks as I stood in the doorway, watching as Shannon sat at the kitchen table. He had his radio by him, blaring the music.

He had his finger pressed to his nostril as he snorted lines off of the table. My heart sank as I watched him. There must have been nearly 10 lines of coke on the kitchen table. His paraphernalia was strewn about the table.

I watched as Shannon did this to himself. He would switch nostrils with each line. I just knew Shannon couldn't stop. This was the city of the devil we were in. Things like this were so easy for Shannon to find.

I watched as Shannon became one step closer to destroying himself as he finished his lines, pinching his nose a couple of times as he sat back in the chair, not even noticing me standing there, throwing his head back and singing the song to himself loudly.

It was fucking sad. It made me sad. My poor, disturbed Shannon, fucking destroying himself with this shit. I felt so fucking bad and guilty. I felt like shit that I wasn't enough to pull Shannon out of this.

This shit was getting out of hand. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes as I watched Shannon with his head leaned back on the top of the kitchen chair, waving his arms around carelessly as he sang the chorus.

  
"Nobody gets too much Heaven no more  
It's much harder to come by, I'm waitin' in line  
Nobody gets too much love anymore  
It's as high as a mountain and harder to climb"  


I wiped my eyes and sniffled as Shannon lifted his head, finally noticing me.

I looked at him and he looked at me. I could hardly see his beautiful blue eyes because his pupils were dilated to shit. His nostrils were red and he looked like he was clammy and sweating.

"Shannon...?" I asked, sniffling.

"Chris..." Shannon sniffled, pinching his nose again, giving me a blank stare, shifting rapidly in his seat.

Shannon broke my heart. I wish I could have been enough to pull Shannon out of this shit.


End file.
